The back-to-school sales advertised in newspapers and on television obviously mean one thing: Matlock was a fairly popular show, especially among older Americans. Besides this, though, one can infer that many will soon be shopping for school supplies -- the usual, like pencils, pens and notebooks. But whether you are the shopper or the shoppee, it is important to keep in mind that school survival cannot possibly occur this year without some additional supplies...

To begin, the 2005-06 scholastic year is a ten-month period when writing with charcoal will make a comeback after a brief 2000-year absence. With the rise in gas prices, people will need to save money somehow, and that means using leftover barbeque supplies. I won't even get into what will happen with the extra lighter fluid and shish kabob skewers, but I would suggest hiding hamsters -- right now. Please, for the sake of humanity: now...

After stocking up on additional charcoal and likely a charcoal eraser, otherwise known as your hand, consider buying this year's newest graphing calculator. You may be thinking, "But I just bought the newest model of last year. This year's model seems exactly the same." And that is true, but consider this: do you want to be the laughing stock at school for something besides wearing your underwear on the wrong side of your pants?

I didn't think so...

Finally, I also see a need this year to buy Scantron sheets. The surge of text messaging has eliminated most students' abilities to form long sentences. Thus, pass notes this year by using self-produced multiple-choice tests. Need a starter question? Try this:

Q: This is boring, huh?

Choices:

1. My gosh, it's like watching paint dry.
2. Gee whiz, it's like watching paint dry.
3. Yikes, it's like watching paint dry.
4. Other.

With this new list of school necessities now revealed, the only wonder is how much traffic there will be once people realize these needs. But just remember: there is still a month left until school starts. That leaves plenty of time to procrastinate...

But I digress.