| Author: Orlando Clark |
You've probably heard about the importance of boys having a strong relationship with their fathers. In fact, the presence of a positive male role model in a young boy's life is practically indispensable. But equally important to any young boy's success in life is the quality of his relationship with his mother.
Traditionally, the mother and son relationship has faced some unique challenges, based in large part on cultural stereotypes. Expected to mother under the definitions of a male-dominated society, mothers of sons are often in a quandary. 'Mothers face the perception that if they get too close to their sons, their sons will become soft, weak or dependent as adult men,' says Dr. James Longhurst, vice president of clinical and psychological services at Starr Commonwealth's Montcalm School for Boys.
But according to Longhurst, nothing could be further from the truth. 'Boys who grow up with close, positive relationships with their mothers actually grow up to be very successful men. Often, they do very well in whatever careers they pursue, even those that are highly competitive. They do not feel the need to be manipulative and overly aggressive, and they do not pursue society's 'macho' stereotypes,' Longhurstsays. 'They grow up to be both successful and sensitive men.'
At Montcalm School for Boys, a private residential treatment program for boys ages 12 to 18, a key part of turning a troubled boy's life around is strengthening his relationships with both parents. 'When helping any of the boys at Montcalm get their lives on the right track, we place a huge amount of emphasis on helping them re-establish strong relationships with their mothers and their fathers,' says John Weed, director of Montcalm School for Boys. 'We recognize that true and lasting change in any boy's life involves the support and work of the entire family unit.'
'If a mother and son are struggling in their relationship, we take the time to make that a part of what we deal with in the son's treatment,' says Weed. 'While family involvement in the treatment process can too easily be overlooked, it's critical. A strong bond with his mother, his father, his siblings, and so on, is key to any troubled boy's success.'
Montcalm School for Boys is part of Starr Commonwealth, a children's organization which has been a leader in strength-based treatment for children for more than 90 years. The school, which has programs for girls and boys (located in Ohio and Michigan, respectively), uses the positive peer culture developed at Starr Commonwealth to help children turn their lives around by building on their abilities and turning crises into opportunities.
Starr Commonwealth is a nationally and internationally recognized private, non-profit organization serving more than 5,000 children, families and professionals each year from locations in Columbus and Van Wert, Ohio and Albion, Battle Creek and Detroit, Mic. Services range from foster care to residential treatment and from in-home counseling to programs that help young adults learn to live independently.
SIDEBAR
Here are some common pitfalls to avoid when mothering a son (true for a daughter too):
Compiled by Dr. James Longhurst, vice president of clinical and psychological services at Montcalm Schools
1. Smothering. Becoming over protective can be detrimental to your son. A mother who smothers is often afraid of the 'bad evils' of the world. Her approach as a mom is protecting her son from the outside world. This approach is based on the magical belief that you can protect your child from the world out there. The result is that the adult son may withdraw or have fears associated with achievement and competition.
2. Being too laissez-faire. The opposite of smothering, being too liberal is also a danger because it may encourage a boy to engage in too much risk-taking behavior. This pitfall can be born out of a mother's worry about her son being inhibited. The result is that this mother may encourage her son to take on opportunities earlier than he may be ready for them.
3. Feeling guilty. This can happen most commonly with a divorced mother, who may be blaming herself or feeling shame because the son no longer has the everyday presence of his father in his life. Her guilt may be motivated by a fear that because she couldn't hold on to her husband, she may lose her son too. Or, she may be emotionally drained. This pitfall is characterized by giving in to the demands of the son and perhaps, buying him things to ease her feelings of guilt.
4. Approaching parenting like business. There are many women today who maintain successful careers while parenting. These mothers need to be aware of any desire to approach raising a son like running a business. The characteristics of a good business person -- demanding, task-oriented, problem-solving -- don't necessarily have anything to do with raising a child. You have to meet your son at his needs. You have to tune into his personality. Forget schedules, business plans, and organization. Parenting takes a much more adaptive and adjustable approach. |
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