Plagiarizing the plaintive cry of Martial, I could say that there was a time when criminals and lawyers were kept more or less safely immured within the confines of politics or the judicial system, and if a citizen lived honestly and kept his nose clean, he could go about his business and despise them both. But times have changed. Lawyers are popping up like dandelions everywhere you look on television, and consequently, the Jurist Effect is wreaking havoc on society.

The Jurist Effect is measured by a number called the venerability factor. Whenever the Jurists Effect is present, venerability takes a beating. For those who aren't familiar with the mathematics of it, the venerability factor of any human enterprise varies as the negative log of the proportionate mass of lawyers involved. In law, of course, the proportion is nearly unity, and the venerability factor approaches zero. Organized crime has a lower proportion of lawyers involved; thus it rates higher in respectability in the public mind. On the other hand, Congress, which has a higher ratio than organized crime, but a lower ratio than the legal profession as a whole, falls somewhere in between.

Consider what happened to baseball, our once venerated national pastime. Long ago, there were maybe two or three hundred big league baseball players and only a couple lawyers. Baseball players were the most venerated people in the country. Today, there are maybe 900 big league players in baseball, but several thousand lawyers, and baseball will never be the same. No, there just isn't anyway to get around it, the Jurist Effect is real.

Now, television, and thus, society, is experiencing the ravages of the Jurist Effect. Lawyers are pouring into television news and public affairs, and they are even getting their own shows, where they comment on everything imaginable from a jaundiced legal point of view, and they're doing to the media what they have already done to professional sports. After years of watching their absurd commercials on television, cajoling us that if we think hard enough, we can blame someone for something, and if we just call them, they will help us find a victim and soon be very well off, who could have ever imagined that the day would come when we would get our social, moral and ethical commentary and instruction from lawyers?

What's next? How rudely comical will the human drama become if it succumbs to such cunning media sophisticates? Will history, philosophy and literature become little more than a trilogy of shallow casuistries, and the sum of human existence in all its myriad expressions be reduced to the grating timbre of a cynically mocking hyperbole?

Most stand-up comics hope so, but what about the rest of us? Imagine, for instance, what the Jurist Effect would have been on one of the profoundest moments of triumph and tragedy in history and drama, say, for instance, the Ides of March, 44 b.c.e. Consider how shrunken in measure that moment would have become, had Brutus consulted his attorney, instead of fleeing to Philippi to raise a republican army. The whole course of western civilization might have moved in a radically different direction and one of Shakespeare's greatest tragedies would have gone begging.

An Evening in Rome

Scene: A spacious triniculum in a well lit villa on the Aventine, the home of Gaius Ingnatius Postumus Scintillis, attorney at law and long time friend of Marcus Brutus.

"Did you do it, Brutus?"

"Of course I did. I did it for Rome. He was destroying the Republic and all that it stood for. Men of good conscience cannot shrink from duty, Postumus. They must act. Caesar was ambitious, and he had to be stopped. Honor dictated that I lend my hand and my name to strike a blow for Rome and for liberty!"

"Okay, okay, that's all well and good. Now try it again from the top, and this time, try to get it right. Did you kill him?"

"Oh, right. I'm sorry. Ahh...uhm...absolutely not! I had nothing to do with it."

"Good, good. But you need to be more emphatic."

"I'm innocent! 100% not guilty!"

"Great. But don't show so much agitation. Show subdued grief and profound dismay when you say it. Now, you were seen during the stabbing in front of Pompey's statue at the theater. What's your response to that?"

"Stabbing? What stabbing? I don't know what you're talking about."

"Excellent. Okay, okay....Caesar's stabbing. They killed him."

"Caesar? I know several Caesars. Which Caesar are you talking about?"

"Okay, very good! Can you raise your eyebrow just a little higher when you ask that?"

"Like this?"

"Yeah, just like that. Look slightly offended, too! Okay, now where was I? Oh, yeah...you know...Julius Caesar...the big guy with the laurels and the size 46 toga? In front of the Theater of Pompey?"

"Me? Why...I wasn't even there...I was...uh...at the...circus...yeah, I was at the circus."

"Good! I like that! Anybody see you there?"

"Yeah...er...Casca and Cassius?"

"Cassius has been spilling his guts out all over the Forum in front of a some very large crowds. Something about liberty for Rome and death to tyrants. And he shouted your name a couple times, too! We'll have to show that it was someone else with you at the circus."

"Boy! Cassius has a big mouth. It wasn't me...it was somebody else."

"Hmmm...then it must have been somebody else, if you say, because everyone knows that Brutus is an honorable man. So, you mean...you're being...?"

"Falsely accused! Yes!"

"No, you're being...?"

"Persecuted? Yeah, I'm being persecuted, because I ah...ah.."

"Well, maybe we can use that later, but for now, you're being..."

"I'm...being...?"

"C'mon, think...you're being ffrrrrr..."

"Frrr...?"

"Yes, Brutus...fffrrrr..."

"Ffrrr...urred! I'm being furred? What the hell does that mean?"

"No! Not furred, ...frrrr...a..."

"Frr...a...amed? Yeah...framed! I'm being framed!"

"Yes! Just like that, exactly! But look more pained and desolate."

"How 'bout this?"

"Better. Much better. Okay. Now someone was overheard yelling 'Sic semper tyrannis' in a deeply resonant patrician voice very much like your own, right after the stabbing. And you did have blood all over your toga, didn't you? What do you say to that?"

"It wasn't me. It couldn't have been me. I don't even speak Latin. It had to be someone else! And it's not blood,...ah...it..'uhm...it's..er..it's wine! I was drinking wine at Marcellinus the centurion's place and it spilled all over me."

"That's great! I was in the Twelfth Legion with Rufio in the Dacian campaign. I'll tell the court that I personally spoke with Marcellinus, centurion to centurion, and he will verify that! By the way, who's Marcellinus?"

"He's got a shop just on the edge of the Forum where all the old Fifteenth Danubian Legion Vets hang out. Great food, and he doesn't skimp on the wine. All you can drink for 20 denarii."

"Excellent! An honorable working man, a veteran and a patriot! We can use him. Now, what about that cut on your hand? Some people might say that jumping around with forty people jabbing someone all at the same time is a bit dangerous, and that you cut it then."

"Nonsense. I cut it...while...cleaning my sword. I heard the news that he was dead, and I got so upset that I...I...ah... slammed my hand...down...on...it ...in...grief?"

"Good. Very good. We can use that to show how deeply you cared. I like that. That's the kind of stuff that will appeal to plebeians. Maybe we can get some angry mobs into the streets chanting that it's a frame up. You're pretty popular with the masses. Let's see, maybe we can suggest it was the Carthaginian Cartel. Yes, the Carthaginian Cartel. He wasn't assassinated...he was executed! We'll mention that there's talk among the street people that they used the Carthaginian Necklace on him!"

"What's a Carthaginian necklace?"

"It's a...hell, I don't know, but it sounds like something they would use."

"Who?"

"The Carthaginians, Brutus...who else?"

"Well, okay...but...I don't know...didn't we kill all the Carthaginians in the third Punic War?"

"Well, yeah...damn, I guess we did."

"How about the Judeans? Can't we blame them?"

"Now there's a thought. I suppose we could float a trial balloon in the Forum with the Crier's Guild maybe...nah! It won't fly. Herod's a friend of Rome. Everybody likes him. His father saved Caesar's cojones in the Egyptian Campaign. Say, I've got it. It was the Carpathians. Yes, let's say there's definitely talk about a Carpathian necklace floating around. Hmmm...we'll have to work on it."

"Okay. Anything else?"

"Yes, do you have a motive they can prove?"

"Uhh...no, I don't think so...no, definitely not. Well...I am a republican,will that hurt my case?"

"Won't help. Anthony is already screaming that it's nothing but a vicious right wing republican conspiracy. Claims everybody is lying about Caesar being ambitious. Word is that you've been saying that he was ambitious. Any truth to that?"

"Uhm...well..I might have said....ah....ah....well, I think, maybe I...well, you know, he didn't actually put the crown on his head at the Lupercalia...but..."

"But what?"

"Well...he did fondle it a little, and there was this moment when he didn't really seem to want to push it away."

"Well, did you actually say he was ambitious or not?"

"Ahh...well...kinda maybe...I guess so...yeah, I said it..a couple times...to a couple people...mobs, mostly."

"Mobs can be noisy. Maybe they misheard you. Try it over again. Did you say that Caesar was ambitious?"

"No. Definitely not!"

"Okay, we'll say that it's all lies. A filthy pack of vicious lies! They're quoting you out of context. All of them. This is a hatchet job. They're out to get you."

"Who? The Carpathians?"

"Well, no,- actually...the consuls have been saying it. Say! Of course! That's it! The consuls...the city prefect...the cohorts...they're all in it together. It's a big frame up! The whole rotten administration is in on it! We'll play up a government conspiracy! That's always good for votes. Juries are real big on conspiracies and cover-ups by the authorities. Now...let's see...we can attack them with the character issue, too. First, we claim that all the cohorts lie. All of them! Yes, they're taught to swear false oaths when they're in training camp.

And we can impeach Mark Anthony's testimony. He's bad mouthing you now, but earlier today at the funeral, he was telling everybody how honorable you were. Then, we'll show that the whole charge is outrageous, that you could never do such a thing. And then, we can destroy his character. Everybody knows he's a drunkard and a womanizer. Maybe he was even messing around with Calpurnia. Yeah...a triangle. We can suggest that Anthony and Calpurnia were messing around, and Julius caught onto them."

"What happened to the Carpathians?"

"Oh, yeah...well...we'll use them, too. But the triangle is too good to pass up. A sizzling triangle."

"Wouldn't that be a quadrangle? There's four of them, you know. Don't forget that Egyptian wench."

"Hmmm, yes, Cleopatra. Hmmm...Mark Anthony and...Cleopatra, Cleopatra and Mark Anthony...you know, we...could...uhh ...nah! They'd never buy that. No, let's stick with the torrid love triangle. We can implicate Calpurnia."

"Ahh...okay...but isn't Caesar's wife above suspicion?"

"So what? There's always somebody who'll say something bad about anybody. And the cleaner they are, the darker the dirt looks on their lily-white togas."

"I guess, but..."

"No buts! I'm your pleader, right? Trust me. Let's not let them turn this into some kind of sordid little inquiry about murder and mayhem. No sir. This is going to be a search for truth. And integrity. It's about...justice...virtue... and...and...uhh...honor. I have a sacred duty here, and I know what I'm doing. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Lepidus. We can get some dirt on Lepidus, too. He's a real stinker. And that vicious little punk of a nephew...what's his name?

"Octavian?"

"Yes, that's it...Octavian. I'll tear that little sniveler to pieces. We can show that he's involved in a cover up. He had a lot to gain by this, at least, according to the will."

"Will?...What will?"

"Caesar's will."

"He left a will?"

"Yes. Anthony has been reading it all over town. Says he left gifts for everybody."

"Did he leave me anything?"

"I'll check. If he did, we'll put in a claim right after the trial. We might even be able to get Calpurnia's share, if the accusation of infidelity and complicity sticks. We could get some really big denarii out of this, Brutus. Libel. Slander. Treason. This is a matter of personal honor! That's big stuff with those rubes. Big settlements. Estate forfeitures, the whole nine stadia."

"Think it'll work?"

"I don't see why not. Looks pretty good from here, but just in case, we better have a fall back position. Let me see...ah, yes. He was your friend and you idolized him, right?"

"Yeah, idolized..that's it."

"And you would never hurt him...you could never hurt him...right?"

"Right. How could I? He was my friend."

"Your best friend?"

"Yeah, best friend."

"He loved you like a son."

"Yeah, like a son."

"Your best friend in the whole...wide..."

"Yeah. He was my best friend...the...the best friend I had in the whole wide world. Why would I hurt him? How could I?"

"Unless...?"

"Unless what?"

"You know...unless...?"

"Uhmm...let me see...unless I...uh..."

"Unless...you were..."

"Unless I...were..."

"C'mon...keep going. Unless...you..were..."

"Unless I were...oh, yeah...unless...I were...uh...hmm...crazy?"

"Now you're talking. Heard any voices lately?"

"Are you kidding. I live right off the Via Sacra - it's full of drunks and brothels. There's always voices coming out of there. Sometimes, I can't get to sleep all night."

"Aha, sleep deprivation. Not bad. Maybe we can use that. Ever hear any voices telling you to do weird things?"

"Ah, no, can't say as I have..."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Look, I'm not a fruit cake, Postumus!"

"Not even a whisper...a hint...?"

"No!"

"A hint of a whisper?"

"Nulla."

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Uhm...well...sort of..."

"Think about it. Are you absolutely certain that you have never heard a single voice talking to you?"

"Well...er...hmm...well, come to think of it...yeah... yeah...sometimes I do."

"Your dog ever tell you to kill people?"

"Yes, now that you mention it, he has told me on occasion to kill dictators. Told me to do it on the Ides of March, in fact."

"Good, good...now we're getting someplace. Any of the gods ever talk to you?"

"Yeah...I think so. Jupiter, maybe...and, let me see...uhm...Venus? Yeah, Venus, too! They're always telling me to do weird stuff!"

"I think we've got something here. We can tie it together with the auspices."

"Auspices? What kind of auspices?

"Let's see. Dreams, we can use dreams. Have you seen an oracle lately?"

"I haven't been to an oracle in years."

"What about Portia?"

"Umm, yeah, she goes sometimes...can we use that?"

"Does she ever tell you what they say?"

"Yeah, sometimes...I guess she does...yeah sure."

"Maybe. Well, no matter. Say, there's word that some soothsayer was mumbling something about bewaring the Ides around the Theater before the whole thing went down. We can tie that in...the Fates...stuff like that. You know, 'those, whom the Gods will destroy, they first make mad.' That stuff really appeals to equestrians. We'll have to go to the literature, and we have to get some expert augers to testify."

"Augers. Why do we need those fakers?"

"To testify that all the signs were present. Let 'em say that the entrails showed that you were fated and that you were being driven mad by the will by the gods. It won't be much trouble to find a few of them who'll swing our way. A dozen experts can never agree on anything. We can't lose on that one."

"Is that all?"

"No. We have to get the right jury."

"Try it before the Senate. I've got lots of friends in the Senate."

"Don't I wish, but it probably won't float. After all, he wasn't of high patrician blood, you know. Marius made him a big shot. Some even say he was from an equestrian family. An upstart. The prosecution will try to push for a trial in the Assembly."

"Is that bad?"

"Maybe, maybe not. There's a lot of sentiment out there for you, too. But we'll need to get some high profile co-counselors. Someone like Cicero. Man, now there's a lawyer's lawyer. Remember pro Flacco? 'When your case is weak, abuse the plaintiff!' That was a classic."

"Cicero's a schmuck. And he's afraid of Anthony."

"Yeah, too bad. We'll just have to get someone like him."

"Like?"

"Well, there's a lot of Sabine blood in the assembly, and the prosecution is going to have a counsel of known Sabine ancestry. So, I figure we'll counter with Apollonius of Colon on our team."

"Apollonius? He's a goddamn Greek!"

"There's a pretty sizable body of citizens of Greek extraction out there, Brutus. All the southern precincts were originally Greek colonies. It can't hurt to have a few of them on the defense team. And Apollonius is good. None better!"

"What if they get a Greek, too?"

"Those conniving bastards, I wouldn't put it past them, especially Lepidus, the filthy little ferret. Goddamn prosecutors! They're all a bunch of dirty unprincipled sneaks."

"Say, didn't you used to be a senatorial prosecutor?"

"Well...uhm...yes...I suppose so, but now, I'm a defense pleader. No matter. Anyway, if they try to use a Greek, too, we'll simply go public and accuse them of playing the ethnic card. Apollonius will make the accusation. That will give it real credibility."

"Well, maybe, but just keep a tight reign on him. Geez, he's so damn melodramatic. If you don't keep a lid on it, he'll puff himself up and turn the whole damned trial into a Greek tragedy."

"Yeah, but the masses eat it up. They love it."

"Say, how much is this gonna cost me?"

"Let's see...Apollonius...public relations criers...expert augers...oracles...soothsayers...and...we will have to pay them up front...fifty talents of silver, maybe, and, of course there will be the customary gift expenses. How much cash do you have on hand?"

"I only have thirty talents in cash."

"Got any other sources coming in soon?"

"No. I think I've lost my chariot concession at Circus Maximus. Just my estate left."

"Okay, thirty's good. We'll mortgage your villa if we need to."

"Why so cheap? Gaius Decius wanted 200 talents up front to plead Casca's case."

"Are you kidding? There were sixty eyewitnesses, and Cassius has already done everything but publicly confess for all of you. When I get you off, it'll be the greatest case since the Cataline Conspiracy, maybe even the biggest case of all time. Besides, we'll make a killing on the book! We'll play up the whole government conspiracy thing, you know, Octavian, the conniver, stirring things up with the city prefect and the cohorts to cover up his and Anthony's crime...we'll really slice them up good. That'll take care of the little shit! I'll bury him so deep, nobody will ever hear of him again! We'll call the book 'Et tu, Caesar?' And we'll bring it out before the trial starts."

"Now, let me see...I've got to prepare a statement for the Acta Diurna in the Forum. There was a storm last night...so, I'll start out with a righteously indignant cry for justice... something like -- 'Even the Gods cry out in anger against this profane outrage to justice.' Then, we'll make a public sacrifice to Apollo to show them we're pious and innocent, and you can go to Caesar's funeral pyre and openly weep. Then, we'll swear some oaths to Zeus, too...that'll get the Greeks on our side. 'We have a sacred duty to the truth'...yes, above all else, a search for truth...yeah, I like it. 'Let justice be done...'I've got it! Listen to this!-- 'Let justice be done...though the Heavens rent asunder...and...ahh...and the Gods do tumble from their thrones, let justice be done!' That's it! And we can throw in virtue and honor...got to work them in somewhere. And then, the sincere and moving cry for truth. Yes, a search for truth and justice! Don't you just love it when it all comes together? Well, you better get going, Brutus. Lots to do. I'll get with you later. Just stay away from Mark Anthony and any crowds, until I can get a restraining order from the Senate. And remember, deny everything! This is great. Absolutely great! By Jove! I love the law!"