Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 22, 2002

I am a 31-year-old virgin male. At times I feel sexually frustrated because I've never been intimate with a woman. The only experience I ever had was a nice French kiss in high school.

I'm overweight and don't see myself as being worthy of a relationship as I am. But after years of neglect and ignoring myself, I am now making changes to my health which will improve my self-image.

I am not attracted to men. If I see a woman on the street I find attractive, I see someone who might be a good person, a good friend and a good soul. With all that, I have the normal fantasies a guy has when he sees a woman.

I live in a small town with no social life but come alive when I am in a bigger city. I also find women look at me and smile, and it's an ego boost. I am considering going to an escort just to experience what I should have experienced 15 years ago.

There's a woman I talk to by e-mail who knows I'm a virgin. She mentioned she didn't see anything wrong in that and said I need to gain something I might have lost, and that's confidence. She's hinted about us, but hints can be read wrong.

I don't know if I'm asking for answers or advice, but I believe in the phrase "good things come to those who wait."

Grady

Grady, we are all on different schedules. On the unknown calendar of your life, there is much to come. You will always remember your first sexual experience, so there is no reason to link it to money.

For a woman, not having a sexual past means you don't come with unhealthy or sordid sexual baggage. Men feel embarrassed if they don't have locker room stories to tell, but there is nothing in it for a woman to be a "good time girl."

Not to be stereotypical or old-fashioned, but women want love and strong emotional ties. They want a relationship with a future. Only then comes the desire for intimacy. Love is what will make you attractive to a woman.

You already know your goal. Get yourself physically fit and pursue what attracts you with passion. If you've been fishing in too small a pool, it may be time to move to the lake. Many of the happiest people are those who once felt life had passed them by.

Tamara

Another Chapter

I'm going through a difficult time. I'm in my early 40s, and my 21-year-old son just graduated from college with honors. He is a wonderful man and my only child.

It was difficult when my husband and I took him to college four years ago. The school is quite far away, and I missed him more than words could ever express. My husband was very supportive, and eventually I came out of my funk.

Now I am back in the same place. My husband is a loving, caring man but my son is far away. Eventually I will get over this, but for now I am overwhelmingly sad.

Grace

Grace, you sound like a woman with a lot of love to give, and we live in a world where so many people need nurturing. You did such a wonderful job with your son he no longer needs you as he did when he was a child.

One woman I know raised three children of her own, and in addition raised more than 20 foster children. Each Christmas a dozen or more of her foster children come from all over the country with their families to share the holiday with her.

Perhaps giving to others will ease your sense of loss, or perhaps you will be drawn to something else. But in this world we can never think that we have walked the last mile.

Wayne