At one time or another, you are going to have to give a speech. Kids are pestered the most. They have to speak at school and church. Most adults are not required to speak as often as kids, but when they are asked to speak, they are given short notice and the request seems never to be expected. If you cant squirm out of giving a speech you will need guidelines for giving the speechso you never have to give another one.

First lets try to squirm out of it.

Excuses to Not Give a Speech

Always keep one good excuse at hand. Then when someone asks you to speak, you will be ready. Try these:

1. When is that? (This gives you time to think.)

2. Oh, I would really like to speak, but Id be paralyzed. I really cant do it. No. Never.

3. Oh, this Sunday? Gee, Id like to help you but Ill be out of town that day. No, I wont be back by then either. (This is great for retired people with recreational vehicles. They can leave town in a hurry. Yes, you can rent or borrow such a vehicle.)

4. What is the subject? Oh, I never speak on that subject. It brings up too many emotions. No. I wont speak on that subject. Get someone else.

5. That subject would be better handled by Madeline. Yes. She should give that talk, not me. No never.

6. You know I was in the hospital with that tube down my throat and you want me to talk for twenty minutes. My doctor said, No public speaking for six months.

7. Oh, its been over six months since I was in the hospital. Oh, Im sorry. He said, twelve months.

8. Im just recovering from an illness. Give a big cough. I just dont feel like giving a talk. Next week? No. Not even then.

9. Memorial Day? You know Im a combat veteran and you want me to speak on Memorial Day? I just cant do it. Hang your head at this point. If you can generate a tear or two, do it.

10. Give a talk? You bet! Ive wanted to tell the Republican Womens Club what I think of that moron they elected twice.

Despite all of your excuses, experienced talker grabbers will not let you off the hook. If you must speak, then here are some hints so that you will never have to speak again.

Things to Do While Speaking (So you dont have to speak again.)

1. Stand before the group and stare at the ceiling. Dont say anything for five minutes.

2. Start your talk with, Duh!

3. Stutter at the first of every sentence. Keep silent for two minutes and then stutter again. If you already stutter naturally, you will not have to practice this important move. Have someone go for a glass of water. Drink often.

4. Never end a sentence. Use and a to prevent this. Say and a as often as you can.

5. Pick your nose, cough, and hiccup. Pull out a large red cowboy handkerchief, blow your nose loudly, and spit in the handkerchief. Twitching is also good. Practice a cheek twitch until you get it down.

6. Keep opening and closing a large reference book. Make sure you have at least 10 large reference books to carry to the pulpit. This will make everyone think you are going to talk for three hours. They will go to sleep, so drop the books to the floor occasionally to wake them up.

7. Read the Gettysburg Address and tell your audience that your great-grandmother wrote it for Lincoln. If the audience laughs, look indignant and sit down with a pout on your face.

8. Take your glasses off and on continually. When they are off, squint at the audience.

9. Speak so softly that nobody can hear you. When they are all straining their ears, drop your books again. Then say, Whoops! as loud as you can.

10. On closing, say that you know that you were supposed to speak on Reverence in Church but that you hope they enjoyed your talk on Was Paul Really an Apostle? Conclude that Paul was an imposter that started his own church and that the name of your church should be changed from The First Church of Paul the Apostle to The First Church of Paul the Imposter.

Well, that should do it.